I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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