whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
