onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize