I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Randomize
