Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
