I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
