Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Pooping to opera.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
