Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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