the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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