When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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