I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Randomize
