Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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