Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I am naked and annoyed.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
