I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
