I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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