Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
