i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
