why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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