is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
