Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
