it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
