I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
