Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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