Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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