You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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