The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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