I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
