Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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