Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
