I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
