Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Non-Jews are for practice
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
