When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
