I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
