My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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