His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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