she peed on how many people?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
