I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize