finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
