my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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