I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
