there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
BRING THE BAGELS
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
