when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
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