M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
babies were throwing up all over the place
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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