So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
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