Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
