Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Oh god it's open bar.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
