I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
