My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
