he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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