who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
