haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
