I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
please don't ironically join a cult
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