I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
