Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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