Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize