you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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