update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
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