masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize