yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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