I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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