Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
