I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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