i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
We left the knife in your bed.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
