how can u be prego again
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Randomize
