I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Your penis caused this!
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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