How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
