You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I would fuck him just for his dog
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
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