and you said cock pushups were impossible
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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