Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize