he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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