an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize